Saturday, May 25, 2013

Let It Die


Dave Grohl needs to scream more. He's really good at it.

Is he singing this song about a lover who wronged him? Did he wrong somebody and is singing it from their point of view? Is he singing to himself about the spark being gone from his life?

This song came on my Pandora station recently. I was laying in bed thinking about life and this song started resonating with me. There are a litany of things that I have allowed to wither away and die over the years.

Perhaps the most shocking thing I've let die has been my will to succeed. I feel like I used to be somebody. And if I wasn't "somebody" I was on my way to doing big things and being important.

Then I went to sleep one night and woke up 3 or 4 years later. I had nothing to show for it. No career goals, no degree, no "real-world experience," nothing. I realized it and then proceeded to do nothing with that information. I let my passion die.

For the last several years, I have sat back and let life keep moving after I stopped. Why? Laziness? Apathy? Depression? Alcohol? Drugs? Probably some combination of them all and more.

"Why'd you have to go and let it die? In too deep and out of time." That feels like the story of my life right now.

I ruined a decent-enough relationship with a decent-enough girl because of it. And maybe it was doomed from the start, since the best adjective I can use to describe my couple years with Candace is "decent-enough."

She pushed me to succeed. She was supportive in the beginning, then she kept prodding and I started to resent her. I constantly questioned her motives. She said it was in my best interest to succeed. And, while it definitely is, I wondered if she wanted me to succeed for her best interest.

An imaginary conversation with her would be, "So, what does your boyfriend do?" "Well, he sleeps all day, then works a shitty job he hates, then he complains about it and drinks a lot." Imagine if I graduated and got a decent job. Her imaginary response would be so much better.

Maybe it was paranoia on my part. Maybe I'm just too insecure. With Ashley now, it's almost comical to listen to her talk about her first impressions of me in 2007-2008, and then see this shell of myself that I am now.

I was listening to Oasis recently and one of their lyrics hit me: "Gonna start a revolution from my bed." That's what I have been trying to do for so long now. I'm not so lost in the sense that I don't know how talented I am. That's what's probably the most depressing thing about it - I know where I could be had I applied myself. But, I have had these grandiose ideas and plans, but I tried to start a revolution from my bed. And it didn't work.

I guess the first step is realizing you have a problem. I've done that. My problem was that I wasted the last half-decade of my life and didn't care. I'm starting to care now. I'm in a little hole and I have decided to start digging myself out of it.

Will I get out of it? Judging from my past few attempts, there is no chance. But, I'm going to try and channel my inner 20-year-old version of myself who wasn't so jaded and didn't hate the world so much. That guy was filled with a lot of potential and I need his help to get my life back on track.

We'll see how this goes.

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