Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Hurt my hand! & other updates

I guess you could call this a sequel of sorts to my May, 2009 blog Hurt my toe! & other updates. To update you on those updates, my toe feels fine, the Princeton Times never did have enough money in the budget to bring me back (those feature ideas are still in my head), I did get a 3rd tattoo but not the one I was talking about there (it's still in my head), and I still love Twitter.

I'm not sure what happened to my hand. It feels like I hurt it. I know that sounds strange - if it feels hurt, then it obviously is hurt. It feels like it because I have no idea what happened. The other day at work I went to grab something with my left hand and felt this intense pain around my thumb-joint area when I gripped it.

That was almost a week ago. The pain is still there somewhat, but not nearly as intense as it was. So, hopefully that's better soon.

I blogged a couple times about school this semester, how I was trying to get my schedule together and whatnot. I'm registered for classes, but not a lot and my attendance has been anemic. I'm going to consider this semester pretty much a failure. It's like one notch above the last spring semester, when I wasn't even registered in classes.

I'm trying to snap out of it, but I feel like I went into a little depressed state for a while over it. I haven't been myself lately and I'm trying to dig myself out of it.

Another thing that hasn't been helping me out has been that I got my sleep schedule all out of alignment, again. Insomnia is something that I have dealt with on-and-off since I started college waaaaaaay back in 2004. My 12th grade year of high school, I would go to sleep around midnight and wake up at 6 a.m. every day, without fail. When I got to college, I started staying up later and getting up later and not being able to sleep and just getting into a horrible cycle.

It was at its absolute worst my 3rd year of college. At one point, I was awake for over 50 hours straight. On the weekends, I would regularly go to sleep around 11 a.m. or noon and wake up around 8 or 9 p.m. During the school week I'd usually stay up for like 24 hours, then sleep for 12 and repeat that on-and-off for a few days.

I've never really gotten my sleep schedule on a truly "normal" pattern, but I got to the point last year where I was going to bed around 1 or 2 a.m. and I was functioning at a pretty normal level. These last 3 or 4 weeks, though, all the good work I was doing just went out the window somehow. I've had several days of staying awake over 24 hours and several days where I slept for like 15 hours.

It's definitely not fixed yet, but I'm at the point where I realize how screwed up my sleep schedule is right now. I think that's the first part of fighting something - admitting you have a problem. Earlier in college, I knew that my sleep pattern wasn't normal and was hindering me, but I didn't really do anything to address it. I'm ready to address it now and at least get it back to where I was last year, when it wasn't great but wasn't hindering me.

I mentioned being kind of depressed sometimes. I think one of the biggest reasons for that is because I really can't find an excuse for why I feel like my life is screwed up. "Screwed up" may not be the best phrase. I have a job, I have an apartment, I'm going to school. I'm doing better than a lot of people. I just keep running into setbacks that mess up any momentum that I may be having. And I can't really come up with a good reason for why that is, other than I fuck myself up sometimes. It's like Green Day said, "You are your own worst enemy."

All you can do is try your best to turn things around. I've had a few self-imposed setbacks lately, but I'm finally ready to start trying my best.


  1. I have never given more consideration to shooting myself in the face than I have in college. I know that sounds stupid, but that seems like a rational decision sometimes and that's bad. It seems like once you start to wobble a bit, there's no way to get back on track.

  2. I know exactly how you feel. Things suck sometimes and it feels like there's no way out. But, there is. You just have to find your own way out. Much, much, much easier said than done, though.